Morning. I opened my eyes and felt like not getting out of bed. I was disoriented.
7:15, according to the clock in front of me. Crap, I’m gonna be late for work.
Force of habit, I looked at my phone to check for messages or phone calls. That was when I saw the date.
Saturday, November 28
Suddenly, two things hit me. First, it was the weekend, and Monday is declared a holiday. I can sleep over.
Second, it is the day after the closing ceremony of cadetship.
Next week, real work begins.
---------------
Rewind to six months ago.
Come to think of it, I was also disoriented.
It was the day after the last day at the previous office. I had the worst headache on record. Maybe because of too much crying—I never realized how much crying I can do for a week of saying goodbye to people, things and situations familiar.
I was telling myself then, maybe I should take at least a week off before cadetship started. I should have given time for myself to lie down and stare at ceiling (my favorite form of relaxation) before starting a new chapter in my life. It would have given me time to put things in perspective, to prepare mentally and emotionally to the things ahead, to wean away the separation anxiety.
But then, things have its way of turning out.
----------------
Initially, it was unfamiliar. For the first time in my professional life, I was commuting to the southern part of the metro—a part of Manila that I am actively avoiding because of the stress caused by the traffic. Yes, everyone, even a Makati denizen like me detests this part of the city during the weekday.
It was unfamiliar actually dressing up going to work. For the first time in my life, I paid attention to the number of my slacks, dressier tops and closed shoes rather than my casual clothing and open-toed sandals. I actually imagined my jeans weeping as I shoved them to the back of my closet to make room for the new slacks and formal tops. Ditto with my sandals.
It was unfamiliar attending flag ceremonies, so is going home with the sun still up. I was so used to going out of the office with the moon (and the street lights of Ortigas) guiding me, it felt like I was about to burn. It was unfamiliar to not having to worry about press releases, news monitoring and media enquiries, not getting messages late into the evening about something work-related, or not being concerned about economic-related news.
It was unfamiliar having a reliable supply of coffee and biscuits waiting for you whenever you need it. While there were a lot of eating places around the previous office, work usually was hectic enough that you get to eat only when everything is done and/or it felt like your large intestines are eating your small ones. Speaking of the previous office, it was unfamiliar not seeing Korean signboards around the new workplace.
It was unfamiliar not being familiar with a lot of people, with guards and other people calling you “Ma’am”.
------------------
But as the same time, there were familiar things.
Familiar was the laughter and the noise. As one batchmate pointed out, this was a laughing batch. It was just like being in Ortigas—everyone had a joke or a funny anecdote to share. And we all love to talk, too much though, that people were commenting not too postively on the noise we are making.
Familiar were the people who were there to help. The Foreign Service Institute, with our dear Mama Mina, our stepmomma Mam Amarie (and her staff) and everyone there at the new office were nice, accommodating and really great, things were made much easy for us.
Familiar were the things that were easily getting used to. The people who you get to kid around and kick back after the session. The eating and the after-work gimik. The people, who as it turns out, shares your interests and views about a lot of things.
Familiar was learning new things everyday. The lectures, workshops and roundtable discussions brought back the times of inter-agency meetings, press conferences, budget hearings (er…) and other events that were, for me, not just for work but also for personal education. The policy papers, promotions plan, projects, performances and other activities were like press releases, news monitoring, hosting gigs and presentations.
-----------------
It’s really funny how things turned out. It is hard to imagine that this moment would come. As they say, time really flies.
Our band of 31 will be out of the comforts of A520 and sent our separate ways to the offices in the department, to get further training before the so called real world: foreign posting.
While we all wait with bated breath for the final assignment next week, it felt like another adjustment.
But then, as the same batchmate pointed out, being in the foreign service entails a lot of moving around and making adjustments. No time for being disoriented. It is imperative to immediately hit the ground running.
It is something I am telling myself as I take the next day off lying down and staring at the ceiling. Yes, there were tears, but not as much as six months before. Yes, there was a separation anxiety, but the thought of having everyone in the same building (except for those who will be assigned in consular) was comforting. Yes, it would be another adjustment, but the thought that it is training for the next years of being in this job is reality enough.
It is time.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
when it rains, it pours
andaming nangyayari sa akin for the past few months.
una, nakuha ko na yung sulat mula sa DFA (department of foreign affairs). i am now appointed as a FSO (foreign service officer), class IV. nakalakip doon sa sulat ang transmittal letter mula kay ES (executive secretary) Ermita, at ang appointment letter namin na pirmado ni PGMA.
ibig sabihin, naipasa ko ang isa sa pinakamahirap na exam sa sangka-gobyerno. ibig sabihin, i am at the doorstep of my dreams to be a diplomat. ibig sabihin, dininig ni Lord at ni Mama Mary ang mga panalangin ng mga nakapaligid sa akin.
ibig sabihin din, i have to make a choice. i have to choose between following my dreams immediately or staying behind for a year (me deferment option kasi kami na isang tao) and have a long kiss goodbye to the agency that i owe a lot, professionally man o personally.
magiging ingrata ako kung hindi ko isisigaw sa mundo sa dami ng natutunan ko sa ahensyang ito. it has trained me to do something that i didn't study in college. it has made me know and learn things that i couldn't get anywhere. it has made me meet people that i wouldn't be meeting kung hindi dahil sa trabaho ko. most importantly, it has made me believe that there is hope in government, that there are people who can just work hard (walang lagay, walang issue) to make things work better for everyone.
i also met people that i finally am comfortable with, yun bang ka-wavelength mo sa maraming bagay. yung pwede mong kuwentuhan ng kahit ano, at maiintindihan nila yun. yung pwedeng katawanan at katrabaho in equal measure. yung alam mong mamimiss mo.
ngayon pa lang, namimiss ko na ang lahat ng ito...
--------------------------------------------
pangalawa, nakausap ko na kanina yung taga-polsci. its official (well, until i get the letter though): makakagraduate na ko. may MA na ko. i could add to my resume: graduate: MA International Studies.
alam ng marami kung ano ang pinagdaanan ko to get this. blood, sweat, tears (as in literal na tears. ilang beses na akong umiyak para dito!), tulog, money, time, social life, opportunities--yun ang mga ininvest ang sinakripisyo ko para pumasok sa klase, magresearch para sa mga reports at papers, at mag-aral para sa mga exams. nagleave ako para makapag-aral para sa comprehensive exams. limang taon ng buhay ko ang inilaan ko para dito.
kaya nung malaman ko na naipasa ko na din yung part ng compre na nasablay ko when i took it last august, kulang na lang e magpaparty agad ako sa opisina. feeling ko nabingi yung kasama ko sa cubicle ko sa tili ko. buti na lang din, walang tao sa opisina at walang nagmemeeting sa conference room sa tabi, kundi napagalitan ako.
woo-hoo! gragraduate na ko! Thank You, Lord!
una, nakuha ko na yung sulat mula sa DFA (department of foreign affairs). i am now appointed as a FSO (foreign service officer), class IV. nakalakip doon sa sulat ang transmittal letter mula kay ES (executive secretary) Ermita, at ang appointment letter namin na pirmado ni PGMA.
ibig sabihin, naipasa ko ang isa sa pinakamahirap na exam sa sangka-gobyerno. ibig sabihin, i am at the doorstep of my dreams to be a diplomat. ibig sabihin, dininig ni Lord at ni Mama Mary ang mga panalangin ng mga nakapaligid sa akin.
ibig sabihin din, i have to make a choice. i have to choose between following my dreams immediately or staying behind for a year (me deferment option kasi kami na isang tao) and have a long kiss goodbye to the agency that i owe a lot, professionally man o personally.
magiging ingrata ako kung hindi ko isisigaw sa mundo sa dami ng natutunan ko sa ahensyang ito. it has trained me to do something that i didn't study in college. it has made me know and learn things that i couldn't get anywhere. it has made me meet people that i wouldn't be meeting kung hindi dahil sa trabaho ko. most importantly, it has made me believe that there is hope in government, that there are people who can just work hard (walang lagay, walang issue) to make things work better for everyone.
i also met people that i finally am comfortable with, yun bang ka-wavelength mo sa maraming bagay. yung pwede mong kuwentuhan ng kahit ano, at maiintindihan nila yun. yung pwedeng katawanan at katrabaho in equal measure. yung alam mong mamimiss mo.
ngayon pa lang, namimiss ko na ang lahat ng ito...
--------------------------------------------
pangalawa, nakausap ko na kanina yung taga-polsci. its official (well, until i get the letter though): makakagraduate na ko. may MA na ko. i could add to my resume: graduate: MA International Studies.
alam ng marami kung ano ang pinagdaanan ko to get this. blood, sweat, tears (as in literal na tears. ilang beses na akong umiyak para dito!), tulog, money, time, social life, opportunities--yun ang mga ininvest ang sinakripisyo ko para pumasok sa klase, magresearch para sa mga reports at papers, at mag-aral para sa mga exams. nagleave ako para makapag-aral para sa comprehensive exams. limang taon ng buhay ko ang inilaan ko para dito.
kaya nung malaman ko na naipasa ko na din yung part ng compre na nasablay ko when i took it last august, kulang na lang e magpaparty agad ako sa opisina. feeling ko nabingi yung kasama ko sa cubicle ko sa tili ko. buti na lang din, walang tao sa opisina at walang nagmemeeting sa conference room sa tabi, kundi napagalitan ako.
woo-hoo! gragraduate na ko! Thank You, Lord!
Friday, March 6, 2009
ang bagong baby ko
mantakin mo nga naman, nakaka-tatlong buwan na ang 2009. at wala pa akong naisusulat dito for 2009.
oh well, medyo busyness ang simula ng taon. dumating ang trabaho, bisita, mga dapat harapin at asikasuhin. at dahil busyness nga, may mga bagay na dapat kalimutan o kaya bawasan ng onti. tulad ng pagblo-blog.
pero dahil meron na kong laptop (yehey!), sana mas mapadalas sya. ayun, bago sa buhay ko. kapag nagkaroon ako ng oras, ilalagay ko ang picture nya dito. iniisipan ko pa sya ng pangalan (dahil marami akong kilala na may pangalan ang laptop). torn ako between mokong (kapangalan sya ng stuffed toy ko sa opisina. kaya lang me nagnakaw. iniyakan ko yun, as in!) o joaquin (ewan ko ba, naisip ko lang). pero dahil mahilig akong magbigay ng medyo mabantot na pangalan sa mga stuffed toys ko, baka mokong na lang sya. not unless may maisip ako na mas mabantot. haha!
oh well, medyo busyness ang simula ng taon. dumating ang trabaho, bisita, mga dapat harapin at asikasuhin. at dahil busyness nga, may mga bagay na dapat kalimutan o kaya bawasan ng onti. tulad ng pagblo-blog.
pero dahil meron na kong laptop (yehey!), sana mas mapadalas sya. ayun, bago sa buhay ko. kapag nagkaroon ako ng oras, ilalagay ko ang picture nya dito. iniisipan ko pa sya ng pangalan (dahil marami akong kilala na may pangalan ang laptop). torn ako between mokong (kapangalan sya ng stuffed toy ko sa opisina. kaya lang me nagnakaw. iniyakan ko yun, as in!) o joaquin (ewan ko ba, naisip ko lang). pero dahil mahilig akong magbigay ng medyo mabantot na pangalan sa mga stuffed toys ko, baka mokong na lang sya. not unless may maisip ako na mas mabantot. haha!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
year of the rat
who would have thought the year of the rat will be something to remember?
eto yung naisip ko nung nakita ko na iisang pahina na lang yung nasa desk calendar ko. hindi ko ubos maisip na pwedeng mangyari ang maraming bagay na noong mga nakaraang taon, wala sa hinuha ko na pwedeng mangyari, o kaya kong abutin.
una, ang isang pangarap. matagal ko na syang gustong gawin, pero andaming bagay na nangyayari. maraming readings sa gradschool. mabigat ang trabaho. takot. naghintay pa ako ng isang sign para mag-file ng application. muntikan pa akong hindi umabot sa pagpasa ng requirements. pero pumasa ako sa first part, at naghintay ako kung kelan kukuha ng written exam. nung dumating sya, feeling ko naging persona non grata ako sa opisina dahil mas pinili ko sya kaysa umattend ng christmas party namin.
pero mukhang worth it yun. matapos ang mas matagal na paghihintay, nalaman ko na pumasa ako. kumuha ako ng oral exams. akala ko mas matagal ang paghihintay. who would've expected na makalipas ang halos dalawang linggo, nalaman kong pumasa din ako. psych exam naman. ngayon, hinihintay ko ang resulta.
pangalawa, ang isang pagsubok. alam ko na kailangan ko syang kunin para makuha ko ang degree ko, pero alam din ng lahat kung ano ang mortality rate nito. isang sem ang pinalipas ko para mag-ipon ng lakas. nag-leave ako ng limang linggo sa opisina para paghandaan sya. nagpuyat sa kaka-aral, nagdasal ng sangkaterba, naghanda. naipasa ko yung dalawang exam, sablay sa isa. kukunin ko pa sya sa pebrero. pero sana, yun na yun. maipasa ko na sana, para makuha ko na ang degree ko.
pangatlo, ang mga kawindangan ko. if you get to read this blog closely (at kung isa ka sa mga contacts ko na napapadalhan nito), makikita mo ang iba't-ibang emosyon ng blog na ito. for somebody who has always refused to acknowledge what i feel, this is a big achievement.
feeling ko, iba talaga ang taon na ito. as many would have said, this is one for the books.
eto yung naisip ko nung nakita ko na iisang pahina na lang yung nasa desk calendar ko. hindi ko ubos maisip na pwedeng mangyari ang maraming bagay na noong mga nakaraang taon, wala sa hinuha ko na pwedeng mangyari, o kaya kong abutin.
una, ang isang pangarap. matagal ko na syang gustong gawin, pero andaming bagay na nangyayari. maraming readings sa gradschool. mabigat ang trabaho. takot. naghintay pa ako ng isang sign para mag-file ng application. muntikan pa akong hindi umabot sa pagpasa ng requirements. pero pumasa ako sa first part, at naghintay ako kung kelan kukuha ng written exam. nung dumating sya, feeling ko naging persona non grata ako sa opisina dahil mas pinili ko sya kaysa umattend ng christmas party namin.
pero mukhang worth it yun. matapos ang mas matagal na paghihintay, nalaman ko na pumasa ako. kumuha ako ng oral exams. akala ko mas matagal ang paghihintay. who would've expected na makalipas ang halos dalawang linggo, nalaman kong pumasa din ako. psych exam naman. ngayon, hinihintay ko ang resulta.
pangalawa, ang isang pagsubok. alam ko na kailangan ko syang kunin para makuha ko ang degree ko, pero alam din ng lahat kung ano ang mortality rate nito. isang sem ang pinalipas ko para mag-ipon ng lakas. nag-leave ako ng limang linggo sa opisina para paghandaan sya. nagpuyat sa kaka-aral, nagdasal ng sangkaterba, naghanda. naipasa ko yung dalawang exam, sablay sa isa. kukunin ko pa sya sa pebrero. pero sana, yun na yun. maipasa ko na sana, para makuha ko na ang degree ko.
pangatlo, ang mga kawindangan ko. if you get to read this blog closely (at kung isa ka sa mga contacts ko na napapadalhan nito), makikita mo ang iba't-ibang emosyon ng blog na ito. for somebody who has always refused to acknowledge what i feel, this is a big achievement.
feeling ko, iba talaga ang taon na ito. as many would have said, this is one for the books.
Monday, October 13, 2008
burned out
dateline: butuan city. sinusulat ko ito habang nagfifile ng istorya ang mga reporters na kasama ko sa press tour. in short, nagpapakafeeling journalist ako hehe...
it is final. i am burned out. i am tired. i am stressed. i am operating on emergency power.
at nangyayari ang burn out ko na di pa nagsisimula ang aming press tour dito sa butuan...er, media appreciation seminar pala.
andami nang nangyayari sa buhay ko. andaming hinihintay mangyari. andaming inaasahang pagkakataon. andaming chances that i may have blown. sheesh.
sana naman maging therapeutic sa akin ang isang linggong wala sa opisina for this press tour. pero from the looks of it, mukhang malabong mangyari yun.
hay, kung kelan mo kelangan ng break sa lahat ng bagay, chaka hindi ka pwedeng magswitch-off sa buhay mo...oh well, i asked for it naman. sabi ko, gusto kong maging busy para makalimot sa mga bagay-bagay. di ko naman inakala na talagang busyness naman talaga ako.
hirap talaga ng workaholic. ang hirap makaisip ng paraan para magswitch-off. sa mga kaibigan ko, nananawagan ako. kelangan ko ng opportunity magswitch-off!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
wala akong maisip na title, pero gusto kong mag-blog
kaya magbloblog ako. keri lang naman yun di ba?
from my previous blog entry, parang ambilis ng mga araw.
inaayos ko pa lang yung unang press tour namin sa batanes noon. tapos ngayon, in about a week's time, yung last press tour na namin sa CARAGA (agusan del norte-surigao del norte-siargao island) ang mangyayari. right now, i am confirming participants and finalizing arrangements, at ako ang sasama dun. my turn to be out of the office and into the sunshine of the island further south for a week. kinakabahan na hindi. alam ko astig yung regional office namin, pero kinakabahan pa rin ako sa mga maaaring mangyari. playing secnarios in my head. paranoid, oo, pero ganun yata talaga ako magstrategize. dasal ko, sana mairaos sya ng maayos--wala sanang bagyo o anything that will cancel it, at sana magenjoy ang lahat ng kasama.
during that time of my previous blog entry, kakakuha ko pa lang ng letter from the result i was talking about last entry. iniisip ko pa kung paano ko sasagutan yung CV form at paano ko aayusin yung health certificate na kasama nun. next week, yun na yung exam. that means, during this time next week, tapos na yung second day ng exam. that means, the next day (or should i say, evening), i will be in my filipiniana best (note to self: check on that outfit sa mananahi), to attend the mock diplomatic dinner that is the third exam. dasal ko, sana malampasan ko ito ng maayos, na di ako madapa sa sapatos at damit na suot ko, na sana di ako mabulol o ma-mental block, na sana they will see me worthy to represent the country.
noong sinulat ko yung blog entry na yun, a week just passed from the reason that i went on a five-day leave. numb pa ako ng mga panahong iyon. yun bang ayoko pa syang pag-usapan. pero ngayon, malapit ko nang malaman ang resulta nun (to be exact, at the end of this month). malapit ko nang malaman if i should be looking forward to april of next year, kung makukuha ko yung limang taong pinagpaguran, pinagkastress-an at pinagkagastusan ko. kung magiging masaya ang pasko ko. dasal ko, sana makuha ko sya. sana makamarch na talaga ako sa april. sana mapatunayan ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko pala, na di dapat ako natakot dito.
--------------------------------------
tama nga yata yung kaibigan ko. workaholic ako. better yet, ginagamit ko ang trabaho para malimutan ko ang mga dapat kong katakutan, ang mga isyu na ayaw kong harapin. yun bang ginagamit ko ang mga activities ko para makalimutan ko ang kabadtripan ko sa iba pang activities ng buhay ko.
kunyari badtrip ako sa trabaho. noon, binubuhos ko sa gradschool ang inis ko. that is the time that i am at my prime sa paggawa ng mga papers at reports. tapos kapag badtrip ako sa aral, binubuhos ko naman sa trabaho. work galore, astig sa pagpapakabibo sa opisina. at kung badtrip ako sa pareho, sa yoga ko naman binubuhos ang inis ko. nothing beats ujjai breathing and doing asanas kapag gusto mong malimutan ang inis mo sa di mo matapos na press release at sobrang habang readings.
these days, puro sya trabaho. dahil nga nawala ako ng matagal, the office is compensating. sunod-sunod na assignments. arrange dito, consolidate doon, cover diyan, attend ng meeting dito. meron pang kasamang mga pabor at information gathering mula sa mga bossings at ibang staffs. the days have blended into one major work mode.
kaya ang nangyari sa akin, my body is paying the price. i am currently having the worst PMS on record. yun bang sobrang hirap bumangon sa kama dahil sa sobrang sakit ng katawan at ulo. last monday, nagpasundo ako sa tatay ko mula sa trabaho dahil nahilo ako at sumakit ang ulo ko. yun ngang taong naiiwan dito sa office, nagworry for me kasi amputla-putla ko daw. kelangan ko na daw ng break.
ang problema, kapag work mode ako, di ko alam kung paano magswitch off. para akong energizer bunny--i just keep on going and going, until there is no energy to keep going.
paano ba magswitch-off? at sa mga workaholic na tulad ko, gaano ba kahirap magswitch-off?
from my previous blog entry, parang ambilis ng mga araw.
inaayos ko pa lang yung unang press tour namin sa batanes noon. tapos ngayon, in about a week's time, yung last press tour na namin sa CARAGA (agusan del norte-surigao del norte-siargao island) ang mangyayari. right now, i am confirming participants and finalizing arrangements, at ako ang sasama dun. my turn to be out of the office and into the sunshine of the island further south for a week. kinakabahan na hindi. alam ko astig yung regional office namin, pero kinakabahan pa rin ako sa mga maaaring mangyari. playing secnarios in my head. paranoid, oo, pero ganun yata talaga ako magstrategize. dasal ko, sana mairaos sya ng maayos--wala sanang bagyo o anything that will cancel it, at sana magenjoy ang lahat ng kasama.
during that time of my previous blog entry, kakakuha ko pa lang ng letter from the result i was talking about last entry. iniisip ko pa kung paano ko sasagutan yung CV form at paano ko aayusin yung health certificate na kasama nun. next week, yun na yung exam. that means, during this time next week, tapos na yung second day ng exam. that means, the next day (or should i say, evening), i will be in my filipiniana best (note to self: check on that outfit sa mananahi), to attend the mock diplomatic dinner that is the third exam. dasal ko, sana malampasan ko ito ng maayos, na di ako madapa sa sapatos at damit na suot ko, na sana di ako mabulol o ma-mental block, na sana they will see me worthy to represent the country.
noong sinulat ko yung blog entry na yun, a week just passed from the reason that i went on a five-day leave. numb pa ako ng mga panahong iyon. yun bang ayoko pa syang pag-usapan. pero ngayon, malapit ko nang malaman ang resulta nun (to be exact, at the end of this month). malapit ko nang malaman if i should be looking forward to april of next year, kung makukuha ko yung limang taong pinagpaguran, pinagkastress-an at pinagkagastusan ko. kung magiging masaya ang pasko ko. dasal ko, sana makuha ko sya. sana makamarch na talaga ako sa april. sana mapatunayan ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko pala, na di dapat ako natakot dito.
--------------------------------------
tama nga yata yung kaibigan ko. workaholic ako. better yet, ginagamit ko ang trabaho para malimutan ko ang mga dapat kong katakutan, ang mga isyu na ayaw kong harapin. yun bang ginagamit ko ang mga activities ko para makalimutan ko ang kabadtripan ko sa iba pang activities ng buhay ko.
kunyari badtrip ako sa trabaho. noon, binubuhos ko sa gradschool ang inis ko. that is the time that i am at my prime sa paggawa ng mga papers at reports. tapos kapag badtrip ako sa aral, binubuhos ko naman sa trabaho. work galore, astig sa pagpapakabibo sa opisina. at kung badtrip ako sa pareho, sa yoga ko naman binubuhos ang inis ko. nothing beats ujjai breathing and doing asanas kapag gusto mong malimutan ang inis mo sa di mo matapos na press release at sobrang habang readings.
these days, puro sya trabaho. dahil nga nawala ako ng matagal, the office is compensating. sunod-sunod na assignments. arrange dito, consolidate doon, cover diyan, attend ng meeting dito. meron pang kasamang mga pabor at information gathering mula sa mga bossings at ibang staffs. the days have blended into one major work mode.
kaya ang nangyari sa akin, my body is paying the price. i am currently having the worst PMS on record. yun bang sobrang hirap bumangon sa kama dahil sa sobrang sakit ng katawan at ulo. last monday, nagpasundo ako sa tatay ko mula sa trabaho dahil nahilo ako at sumakit ang ulo ko. yun ngang taong naiiwan dito sa office, nagworry for me kasi amputla-putla ko daw. kelangan ko na daw ng break.
ang problema, kapag work mode ako, di ko alam kung paano magswitch off. para akong energizer bunny--i just keep on going and going, until there is no energy to keep going.
paano ba magswitch-off? at sa mga workaholic na tulad ko, gaano ba kahirap magswitch-off?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
status: waiting, on hold
i'm back.
after about five weeks of being away from several things (work, friends, life in general) because of preparing for something that needs to be done, and actually doing it. a couple of weeks ago, natapos din sya. and now, i await the results. with bated breath. and i'm still praying and hoping that makuha ko sana yung results na gusto ko. yun bang me rason ako to look forward to april this year, dahil finally, matatapos na rin yung limang taong pinagpaguran, pinagkagastusan at pinanggalingan ng maraming stress sa buhay ko. Lord, sana lang talaga, maipasa ko sya.
---------------------------------
its been two weeks since.
dahil matagal akong nawala, parang andaming nagbago sa mundo. sa trabaho ko, me bago kaming bossing. meron kaming mga bagong trabaho--o mas mapapalalim (o mapapahirap?) ang mga ginagawa namin dahil nga bago ang bossing namin. nanibago ako sa mga paggawa ng mga bagay na dati'y sanay na ko. feeling ko tuloy, sablay ang ibang trabaho ko for the past two weeks.
sa mga happenings, late na rin ang mga alam ko. though i watch the news (dahil kasama sa paghahanda ko dun sa something that needs to be done ang pagiging updated), maraming bagay ang na-miss ko. di ko alam na magcoconcert pala ang eraserheads. me ilang kaibigan akong me mga life-changing na pinagdaanan. andaming blog posts ng mga favorite bloggers ko ang di ko nabasa. para bang tumigil ang buhay ko ng limang linggong naghibernate ako.
pero ganun yata talaga yun. there are things that needs getting used to. right now, i am starting to get my groove back sa mundo. hopefully, mabilis na akong makabalik sa buhay na iniwan ko.
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last week, dumating din ang resulta ng isang pang bagay na hinihintay ko. opo, ako po yung pang-# 9.
alam ko na parating na yung resulta. dapat matagal na yun, pero mukhang busy yung mga dapat maglabas ng resulta kaya last week lang nila nilabas.
nagulat na lang ako sa text ng isang unknown number: "johann, congrats! i'm so happy for you. galingan mo sa orals ah."
syempre, me idea na ako kung ano yun. pero dahil mej skeptical ako, nagtanong ako kung sino sya. dahil antagal nyang magreply, tinawagan ko na. si jed pala yun, gradschool classmate ko na taga-loob ng ahensyang iyon.
totoo nga ang balita!
at ayun, meron pa akong gagawin ulit at pagdadasal na sana matupad sya.
ayush ang buhay ko ngayon, nasa waiting status.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
turning 27
last thursday, i turned 27. opo, mga kaibigan, me birthday din ako.
thanks to everyone who sent their greetings. sa mga nagtext, nag-IM, tumawag, at bumati sa akin ng personal, thanks for making that day special.
sa pamilya ko, salamat sa paghahanda that day. special shout-out sa kapatid kong si ericka, dahil katas ng unang suweldo nya bilang pre-school teacher ang pinang-handa. grabe, super natouch ako, kasi sabi nya sa nanay ko, ipaghanda daw ako kahit konti. as in naiyak ako nung sinabi sa kin ng nanay ko...
hiling ko lang sa inyong lahat, ipagdasal nyo ko. as in. kung bakit, meron akong isang bagay na haharapin which will decide if i will get something i want to get.
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wala naman kasi talaga akong plano magcelebrate ng birthday ko. marami akong dapat bayaran (in short, wala akong pera). marami akong iniisip (kasama na dun yung rason kung bakit ako nanghihingi ng dasal) at ginagawa, kaya wala akong oras para magplano.
i want to celebrate my birthday in peace. wait, mali yun. lemme rephrase that. gusto ko kasi ng isang birthday na wala akong iisipin kung ano ang dapat ihanda, o kaya umasa na me ispesyal na mangyayari. yun bang gusto kong maranasan na ang birthday ko, isang simpleng araw lang sa buhay ko.
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as it turns out, sobrang naging busy ang araw kong iyon. marami akong inayos. mga trabahong ginawa. mga taong kinausap. sabi ko nga kay mae, that was a tiring birthday.
pero keri lang. nagpapasalamat lang ako na umabot ako sa edad na ito. na keri naman ang takbo ng buhay ko, kahit me problema din minsan. nagagawa ko ang mga ginagawa ko. merong mga taong nagmamahal sa akin. may mga bagay na nagpapasaya sa akin.
at importante, meron akong mga taong napapasaya. merong mga taong sinasabing importante ako sa buhay nila. na may sense din pala ako sa mundong ito.
happy birthday to me.
thanks to everyone who sent their greetings. sa mga nagtext, nag-IM, tumawag, at bumati sa akin ng personal, thanks for making that day special.
sa pamilya ko, salamat sa paghahanda that day. special shout-out sa kapatid kong si ericka, dahil katas ng unang suweldo nya bilang pre-school teacher ang pinang-handa. grabe, super natouch ako, kasi sabi nya sa nanay ko, ipaghanda daw ako kahit konti. as in naiyak ako nung sinabi sa kin ng nanay ko...
hiling ko lang sa inyong lahat, ipagdasal nyo ko. as in. kung bakit, meron akong isang bagay na haharapin which will decide if i will get something i want to get.
----------------------------------
wala naman kasi talaga akong plano magcelebrate ng birthday ko. marami akong dapat bayaran (in short, wala akong pera). marami akong iniisip (kasama na dun yung rason kung bakit ako nanghihingi ng dasal) at ginagawa, kaya wala akong oras para magplano.
i want to celebrate my birthday in peace. wait, mali yun. lemme rephrase that. gusto ko kasi ng isang birthday na wala akong iisipin kung ano ang dapat ihanda, o kaya umasa na me ispesyal na mangyayari. yun bang gusto kong maranasan na ang birthday ko, isang simpleng araw lang sa buhay ko.
--------------------------------
as it turns out, sobrang naging busy ang araw kong iyon. marami akong inayos. mga trabahong ginawa. mga taong kinausap. sabi ko nga kay mae, that was a tiring birthday.
pero keri lang. nagpapasalamat lang ako na umabot ako sa edad na ito. na keri naman ang takbo ng buhay ko, kahit me problema din minsan. nagagawa ko ang mga ginagawa ko. merong mga taong nagmamahal sa akin. may mga bagay na nagpapasaya sa akin.
at importante, meron akong mga taong napapasaya. merong mga taong sinasabing importante ako sa buhay nila. na may sense din pala ako sa mundong ito.
happy birthday to me.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
paano mag-suot ng stilettos
a confession: much as i love shoes, di ko kayang mag-suot ng high-heeled shoes na sobrang taas (max height for me is two inches, and chunky ones). lalo na ng mga stilettos. which is really bad, dahil marami sa magagandang sapatos ngayon, ganung style. siguro sabi ng Diyos, maging satisfied na ko sa height ko.
mahina ang sense of balance ko, which is coupled with fear of heights (kahit na matangkad ako). kaya nga kapag me mga hiking sa office teambuilding, lagi akong me buddy na pwede kong hawakan habang pababa o paakyat ng mga bundok. mabagal din akong bumaba sa hagdanan kasi nga takot akong mahulog.
kaya interested ako how people can manage to walk around in really high heels. yung isang friend ko sa graduate school, kaya nyang mag-drive, magshopping at magcover ng rally sa EDSA (journalist kasi sya) ng naka-stilettos. nabasa ko din na merong socialite who shops in "four-inch Pradas". yung mga beauty queens, nakakarampa in those high shoes. bakit ako, hindi?
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isang gabi, me nakasabay ako na couple pauwi.
dahil alam kong sarado na yung bridgeway sa MRT, nag-bus na lang ako pauwi, tapos tatawid na lang ako sa overpass sa guadalupe. sa harapan ko, merong isang couple. yung babae, nakastilettos na sobrang taas, tapos kasama nya yung boyfriend/asawa nya. dahil umiral ang pagiging uzi (usisera) ko, chaka naaliw ako dun sa sapatos nya, pinagmamasdan ko how she walks around in those heels.
nung paakyat sya ng hagdan, di nya sinasayad yung mataas na takong nya dun sa steps. para bang naka-tingkayad sya. so, ganun pala umakyat ng hagdan kapag naka-stilettos, sabi ko sa sarili ko.
nung pababa sya ng hagdanan, napansin ko na nakakapit sya sa boyfriend/asawa nya. ah, so kailangan mo pala ng kakapitan kapag bababa ka ng hagdan at naka-stilettos...
so kapag nag-stilettos ako, kailangang puro paakyat lang ang lakad ko. kasi, wala akong kakapitan kapag pababa na...
mahina ang sense of balance ko, which is coupled with fear of heights (kahit na matangkad ako). kaya nga kapag me mga hiking sa office teambuilding, lagi akong me buddy na pwede kong hawakan habang pababa o paakyat ng mga bundok. mabagal din akong bumaba sa hagdanan kasi nga takot akong mahulog.
kaya interested ako how people can manage to walk around in really high heels. yung isang friend ko sa graduate school, kaya nyang mag-drive, magshopping at magcover ng rally sa EDSA (journalist kasi sya) ng naka-stilettos. nabasa ko din na merong socialite who shops in "four-inch Pradas". yung mga beauty queens, nakakarampa in those high shoes. bakit ako, hindi?
----------------------------------
isang gabi, me nakasabay ako na couple pauwi.
dahil alam kong sarado na yung bridgeway sa MRT, nag-bus na lang ako pauwi, tapos tatawid na lang ako sa overpass sa guadalupe. sa harapan ko, merong isang couple. yung babae, nakastilettos na sobrang taas, tapos kasama nya yung boyfriend/asawa nya. dahil umiral ang pagiging uzi (usisera) ko, chaka naaliw ako dun sa sapatos nya, pinagmamasdan ko how she walks around in those heels.
nung paakyat sya ng hagdan, di nya sinasayad yung mataas na takong nya dun sa steps. para bang naka-tingkayad sya. so, ganun pala umakyat ng hagdan kapag naka-stilettos, sabi ko sa sarili ko.
nung pababa sya ng hagdanan, napansin ko na nakakapit sya sa boyfriend/asawa nya. ah, so kailangan mo pala ng kakapitan kapag bababa ka ng hagdan at naka-stilettos...
so kapag nag-stilettos ako, kailangang puro paakyat lang ang lakad ko. kasi, wala akong kakapitan kapag pababa na...
Friday, June 13, 2008
habang nagpapalaminate sa national bookstore...
kasama sa mga gawain ko sa opisina ang gumawa ng ID para sa mga reporters namin. that includes scanning the pictures, lay out sa aming press ID form, printing it out at ipalaminate yun.
medyo matagal na yung utang kong ID dun sa bago naming reporter, kaya talagang minadali ko na yung paggawa ng ID nya. kagabi, pinalaminate ko na.
sa national bookstore na matatagpuan sa daan ko pauwi (di ko sasabihin yung branch, kayo na bahalang mag-isip kung san yun...
), dun ako usually nagpapalaminate. mukhang napansin na nung taong nagma-man ng laminating station dun ang paglaminate nya ng press ID ng opisina namin, kaya nagtanong sya kung ano ang ginagawa ng opisina namin, with matching kamusta pa kung sino na ang bossing namin (syempre, naging sikat ang ahensyang pinaglilingkuran ko dahil sa NBN na yan). aba, mantakin mo nga naman, intersado pala sya!
dahil nandun na rin ako, naisip ko na iparelaminate yung office ID ko kasi medyo di na maganda yung itsura. kaya tinanong ko sa kanya kung ginagawa din nila yung pagrerelaminate. pinakita ko na din yung ID ko. eto yung conversation namin.
ako: pwede pa bang iparelaminate 'to? (sabay pakita nung ID ko)
mama: pwede pa mam...
ako: sige, next time na lang
mama: ngayon na mam. nandito na kayo e.
(after thinking for awhile, pumayag na ko. habang pineprepare nya yung ID ko...)
mama: mam, kayo ba 'to?
ako: oo
mama (after tumingin sa ID at sa akin): bakit ang tanda nyo dito?
ako (disoriented): kasi matagal na yan
mama (tingin sa kasama nya): okay to a, mas matanda si mam sa picture nya
di ko alam kung gusto nya kong dapat akong maflatter o nagbibiro sya. anyway, after nya ilaminate yung press ID at irelaminate yung ID ko
ako: manong, magkano po lahat?
mama (nagsusulat dun sa form): 12 (yung ID ko) plus 15 (yung press ID). dapat 20 yung 15, pero dahil nagkuwentuhan naman tayo, gagawin ko na lang na 15.
ako: ah okay. thank you po.
mama: welcome. (tapos inentertain na nya yung kasunod ko)
habang nagbabayad ako nung mga pinarelaminate ko, medyo disoriented pa rin ako, dahil siguro di ko ineexpect na makatipid ako o dahil me nagtanong sa akin tungkol sa trabaho ko na isang total stranger (at may alam na sila tungkol sa ahensya namin) o dahil me nangflatter sa akin.
mantakin mo nga naman, nakatipid ako sa pagpapalaminate dahil lang nakapagkuwentuhan ako!
pahabol: skl, me similarity yung mukha nung mama sa lamination station kay andrew wolfe.
medyo matagal na yung utang kong ID dun sa bago naming reporter, kaya talagang minadali ko na yung paggawa ng ID nya. kagabi, pinalaminate ko na.
sa national bookstore na matatagpuan sa daan ko pauwi (di ko sasabihin yung branch, kayo na bahalang mag-isip kung san yun...
), dun ako usually nagpapalaminate. mukhang napansin na nung taong nagma-man ng laminating station dun ang paglaminate nya ng press ID ng opisina namin, kaya nagtanong sya kung ano ang ginagawa ng opisina namin, with matching kamusta pa kung sino na ang bossing namin (syempre, naging sikat ang ahensyang pinaglilingkuran ko dahil sa NBN na yan). aba, mantakin mo nga naman, intersado pala sya!dahil nandun na rin ako, naisip ko na iparelaminate yung office ID ko kasi medyo di na maganda yung itsura. kaya tinanong ko sa kanya kung ginagawa din nila yung pagrerelaminate. pinakita ko na din yung ID ko. eto yung conversation namin.
ako: pwede pa bang iparelaminate 'to? (sabay pakita nung ID ko)
mama: pwede pa mam...
ako: sige, next time na lang
mama: ngayon na mam. nandito na kayo e.
(after thinking for awhile, pumayag na ko. habang pineprepare nya yung ID ko...)
mama: mam, kayo ba 'to?
ako: oo
mama (after tumingin sa ID at sa akin): bakit ang tanda nyo dito?
ako (disoriented): kasi matagal na yan
mama (tingin sa kasama nya): okay to a, mas matanda si mam sa picture nya
di ko alam kung gusto nya kong dapat akong maflatter o nagbibiro sya. anyway, after nya ilaminate yung press ID at irelaminate yung ID ko
ako: manong, magkano po lahat?
mama (nagsusulat dun sa form): 12 (yung ID ko) plus 15 (yung press ID). dapat 20 yung 15, pero dahil nagkuwentuhan naman tayo, gagawin ko na lang na 15.
ako: ah okay. thank you po.
mama: welcome. (tapos inentertain na nya yung kasunod ko)
habang nagbabayad ako nung mga pinarelaminate ko, medyo disoriented pa rin ako, dahil siguro di ko ineexpect na makatipid ako o dahil me nagtanong sa akin tungkol sa trabaho ko na isang total stranger (at may alam na sila tungkol sa ahensya namin) o dahil me nangflatter sa akin.
mantakin mo nga naman, nakatipid ako sa pagpapalaminate dahil lang nakapagkuwentuhan ako!
pahabol: skl, me similarity yung mukha nung mama sa lamination station kay andrew wolfe.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
biting the bullet at isang pamatay na linya
for the longest time, gusto ko nang magpagupit.
in fairness naman to my hair (ayush, kinakausap ang buhok!), di naman sya problema. makapal at maganda pa rin sya (methinks i got the good genes, hair-wise). di ko kinailangan magparebond or magpastraight kasi naturally straight ang buhok ko. sa umaga, shampoo at suklay lang, keri na (minsan nga, wala pang suklay hehe!). dahil busy ako, di ko sya nacoconditioner. sabi ko nga, siguro my hair has a life on its own. pinapabayaan ko lang sya at nagkakasundo naman kami.
but for the past few days, parang ambigat na ng aking below the shoulder hair (mahirap din pala ang makapal ang buhok). mej kinukulang na ko sa shampoo ko at minsan ang init ng pakiramdam ng anit ko. tapos ang tindi pa ng init the past few days. tapos it has been almost a year since nagpagupit ako. kaya ayun, nagdecide akong magpagupit.
kaya lang nung nagpunta na ko sa aking friendly salon, sarado na pala sya. nagpunta na kasi yung may-ari (at official manggugupit ko) sa canada. kaya naghanap ako ng bagong stylist.
at nahanap ko sya sa katauhan ni amir. sya yung stylist sa david's salon sa crossing na suki ng pinsan ko, ng mommy nya (tita ko) at nanay ng mommy nya (lola nya). nung saturday, i finally bit the bullet at nagpagupit. eto yung resulta (mej malabo yung pic kasi camera phone lang yung ginamit kong pangkuha). para better yung idea, eto yung before. strangely enough, pareho yung shirt ko sa mga kuhang ito...
from this shot in boac, marinduque (left), my hair is now almost chin length (right). bagay ba?
------------------------------------------------------------------
recently, kausap ko yung isang friend ko. meron daw syang chatmate na mej gusto syang maging SO. finorward nya sa kin yung isang conversation nila, at sobrang tumatak sa'kin itong linyang ito na sinabit sa kanya ng chatmate nya habang kinukukit sya sa IM kung pumapayag itong friend ko na maging sila:
"i want us to happen..."
ayush no? parang linya sa teleserye o sa pelikula. sabi nga ng kapatid ko nung nabanggit ko itong linya sa kanya, kalevel daw ito ng mga linya sa teleserye tulad ng "our love...it was the best" (celine, maging sino ka man) o kaya ng "i wish i knew how to quit you!" (jack, brokeback mountain).
di ko alam kung kikiligin ako o mandidiri ako nung kinukuwento sa kin yung context na sinabi nung chatmate nya sa kanya yun. sabi ko sa kanya, dapat kiligin ako pero dahil rare ako kiligin these days, the cynic in me takes over at nandidiri ako instead. brutal ko no?
ganun na ba talaga ako ngayon? di na ko marunong kiligin sa mga simpleng bagay? has the cynic in me already took over and that i look at supposedly romantic words/gestures to be corny and contrived?
in short, nagiging sobrang cynical na ba ako tungkol sa pag-ibig?
in fairness naman to my hair (ayush, kinakausap ang buhok!), di naman sya problema. makapal at maganda pa rin sya (methinks i got the good genes, hair-wise). di ko kinailangan magparebond or magpastraight kasi naturally straight ang buhok ko. sa umaga, shampoo at suklay lang, keri na (minsan nga, wala pang suklay hehe!). dahil busy ako, di ko sya nacoconditioner. sabi ko nga, siguro my hair has a life on its own. pinapabayaan ko lang sya at nagkakasundo naman kami.
but for the past few days, parang ambigat na ng aking below the shoulder hair (mahirap din pala ang makapal ang buhok). mej kinukulang na ko sa shampoo ko at minsan ang init ng pakiramdam ng anit ko. tapos ang tindi pa ng init the past few days. tapos it has been almost a year since nagpagupit ako. kaya ayun, nagdecide akong magpagupit.
kaya lang nung nagpunta na ko sa aking friendly salon, sarado na pala sya. nagpunta na kasi yung may-ari (at official manggugupit ko) sa canada. kaya naghanap ako ng bagong stylist.
at nahanap ko sya sa katauhan ni amir. sya yung stylist sa david's salon sa crossing na suki ng pinsan ko, ng mommy nya (tita ko) at nanay ng mommy nya (lola nya). nung saturday, i finally bit the bullet at nagpagupit. eto yung resulta (mej malabo yung pic kasi camera phone lang yung ginamit kong pangkuha). para better yung idea, eto yung before. strangely enough, pareho yung shirt ko sa mga kuhang ito...
from this shot in boac, marinduque (left), my hair is now almost chin length (right). bagay ba?
------------------------------------------------------------------
recently, kausap ko yung isang friend ko. meron daw syang chatmate na mej gusto syang maging SO. finorward nya sa kin yung isang conversation nila, at sobrang tumatak sa'kin itong linyang ito na sinabit sa kanya ng chatmate nya habang kinukukit sya sa IM kung pumapayag itong friend ko na maging sila:
"i want us to happen..."
ayush no? parang linya sa teleserye o sa pelikula. sabi nga ng kapatid ko nung nabanggit ko itong linya sa kanya, kalevel daw ito ng mga linya sa teleserye tulad ng "our love...it was the best" (celine, maging sino ka man) o kaya ng "i wish i knew how to quit you!" (jack, brokeback mountain).
di ko alam kung kikiligin ako o mandidiri ako nung kinukuwento sa kin yung context na sinabi nung chatmate nya sa kanya yun. sabi ko sa kanya, dapat kiligin ako pero dahil rare ako kiligin these days, the cynic in me takes over at nandidiri ako instead. brutal ko no?
ganun na ba talaga ako ngayon? di na ko marunong kiligin sa mga simpleng bagay? has the cynic in me already took over and that i look at supposedly romantic words/gestures to be corny and contrived?
in short, nagiging sobrang cynical na ba ako tungkol sa pag-ibig?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
ang yoga sa buhay ko
i've been doing yoga on and off for the past three years. although i would say na di pa talaga ako master kasi may mga asanas (poses) that i still cannot do, i would say na may improvement naman ako. nag-improve ang flexibility and balance ko. i feel calmer and much more relaxed. and i would say that yoga is one of the main reasons i lost weight. pagpawisan ka ba naman ng sobra na pwede mo nang pigain ang shirt mo (at may pawis na lalabas), di ka ba naman pumayat nun!
in my daily life, nakatulog din ang yoga. for example: (pasyensya na po sa spelling at sa aking alternate terms. di ko pa rin ganun kamemorize yung ibang names ng asanas e).
- yung ujjai breathing (contracting your belly muscles and your anus, while putting your tongue at the roof of your mouth and producing a hissing sound as you breathe), nakakatulong sa pagbalance ko sa MRT lalo na kapag maraming tao at wala kang mahawakan. just ensure that your legs can support you (spread them a little bit apart), and prepare for the sudden motions ng MRT (kapag aandar na sya or titigil na), pwede ka nang wag humawak sa handrails. look ma, no hands!
- nakakatulong din yung ujjai breathing to calm yourself, lalo na sa stress ng traffic (i had one gradschool friend try it when we were driving home. nagwork sa kanya) o kaya kapag naiinis ka na sa ginagawa mo o sa kinakausap mo. kamtutinkopit, nakakatulong talaga that you relax and take a deep breath sa mga stressful situations.
- yung mga forward bends (prasaritas) and the side bends, i use it when i clean or do other things sa bahay. kapag me mga winawalis o pinupunasan ako sa mga masisikip or tricky spots, onting luhod at bending, keri na. nakakatulong din sya when lifting and carrying heavy stuff, or when you pick up stuff off the floor and you want to maintain your poise.
- yung meditation part ng yoga, nakakatulong sya when i just want to let my thoughts fly. me mga panahon kasi that i dwell on things, especially on my mistakes. it is liberating that when you let your thoughts fly (usually kapag shavasana or yung nakahiga na kami to rest), and think of random things. it helps me remember things i have/want to do, remember what i want to eat (me time na naisip ko na gusto ko pala ng chicken nuggets sa McDo. weird no?) or figure out stuff that boggles you.
not to mention that after each session, you feel relaxed and rested. ang sarap matulog sa gabi. and that loose and flexed up body (chaka yung weight loss) can't also be beat. ang sarap!
in my daily life, nakatulog din ang yoga. for example: (pasyensya na po sa spelling at sa aking alternate terms. di ko pa rin ganun kamemorize yung ibang names ng asanas e).
- yung ujjai breathing (contracting your belly muscles and your anus, while putting your tongue at the roof of your mouth and producing a hissing sound as you breathe), nakakatulong sa pagbalance ko sa MRT lalo na kapag maraming tao at wala kang mahawakan. just ensure that your legs can support you (spread them a little bit apart), and prepare for the sudden motions ng MRT (kapag aandar na sya or titigil na), pwede ka nang wag humawak sa handrails. look ma, no hands!
- nakakatulong din yung ujjai breathing to calm yourself, lalo na sa stress ng traffic (i had one gradschool friend try it when we were driving home. nagwork sa kanya) o kaya kapag naiinis ka na sa ginagawa mo o sa kinakausap mo. kamtutinkopit, nakakatulong talaga that you relax and take a deep breath sa mga stressful situations.
- yung mga forward bends (prasaritas) and the side bends, i use it when i clean or do other things sa bahay. kapag me mga winawalis o pinupunasan ako sa mga masisikip or tricky spots, onting luhod at bending, keri na. nakakatulong din sya when lifting and carrying heavy stuff, or when you pick up stuff off the floor and you want to maintain your poise.
- yung meditation part ng yoga, nakakatulong sya when i just want to let my thoughts fly. me mga panahon kasi that i dwell on things, especially on my mistakes. it is liberating that when you let your thoughts fly (usually kapag shavasana or yung nakahiga na kami to rest), and think of random things. it helps me remember things i have/want to do, remember what i want to eat (me time na naisip ko na gusto ko pala ng chicken nuggets sa McDo. weird no?) or figure out stuff that boggles you.
not to mention that after each session, you feel relaxed and rested. ang sarap matulog sa gabi. and that loose and flexed up body (chaka yung weight loss) can't also be beat. ang sarap!
Monday, March 31, 2008
in a rut
since my aunt returned to the states after a month, i've just been listlessly going through my daily existence, just doing things that needs to be done.
there's no joy, no enthusiasm, no excitement. blah.
"di ako masaya. kailangan ko ng inspirasyon. kailangan ko magkaroon ng rason para sumaya" is a frequent line to cubbyhole buddy and officemate mitch for the past few weeks.
my day usually goes this way: wake up, prepare for work, work, have lunch, work some more, go home, have dinner, sleep.
like this blog, i'm in a rut. and despite this blah existence, i do hope things would go better.
---------------------
i crave for some excitement. something to make me look forward to waking up everyday.
i miss the old me. the me that wakes up with a smile on my face, despite possible issues and blowups. the me that looks at life with so much enthusiasm and positivity. the me that despite everything, can still find things to smile about.
--------------------
don't get me wrong, though. i am thankful for everything i have. i thank Him for my life, for my family, my friends, my job, my things.
i am thankful that i managed to put my sister to college. and she graduated last week.
i am happy that despite the financial difficulties, me and my family is surviving, and surviving really well.
i am glad that there are things and situations that allows me to learn things about life. on how to push myself to the limit. on how my mistakes made me what i am.
i am thankful for the everyday that i get to learn about life and the things that can make me a better person.
but, i am in search for something exciting. something that can make going through life great again. something that can make me bolt out of bed, walk around the office whistling, make me excited for the next day.
---------------------
i try not to be pulled down by all the negativity. things happening to people and institutions around me. controversies and intrigues that we face almost everyday here at the office. the defeated and defeatist attitudes of most people.
and i feel that these issues are getting to me. i find myself being eaten up by all the negativity.
the patch adams in me is slowly being eaten away. and i don't like the feeling.
--------------------
on a lighter note, congratulations are in order for jennifer for passing the bar exams. yehey, me abugado na kami sa block!
there's no joy, no enthusiasm, no excitement. blah.
"di ako masaya. kailangan ko ng inspirasyon. kailangan ko magkaroon ng rason para sumaya" is a frequent line to cubbyhole buddy and officemate mitch for the past few weeks.
my day usually goes this way: wake up, prepare for work, work, have lunch, work some more, go home, have dinner, sleep.
like this blog, i'm in a rut. and despite this blah existence, i do hope things would go better.
---------------------
i crave for some excitement. something to make me look forward to waking up everyday.
i miss the old me. the me that wakes up with a smile on my face, despite possible issues and blowups. the me that looks at life with so much enthusiasm and positivity. the me that despite everything, can still find things to smile about.
--------------------
don't get me wrong, though. i am thankful for everything i have. i thank Him for my life, for my family, my friends, my job, my things.
i am thankful that i managed to put my sister to college. and she graduated last week.
i am happy that despite the financial difficulties, me and my family is surviving, and surviving really well.
i am glad that there are things and situations that allows me to learn things about life. on how to push myself to the limit. on how my mistakes made me what i am.
i am thankful for the everyday that i get to learn about life and the things that can make me a better person.
but, i am in search for something exciting. something that can make going through life great again. something that can make me bolt out of bed, walk around the office whistling, make me excited for the next day.
---------------------
i try not to be pulled down by all the negativity. things happening to people and institutions around me. controversies and intrigues that we face almost everyday here at the office. the defeated and defeatist attitudes of most people.
and i feel that these issues are getting to me. i find myself being eaten up by all the negativity.
the patch adams in me is slowly being eaten away. and i don't like the feeling.
--------------------
on a lighter note, congratulations are in order for jennifer for passing the bar exams. yehey, me abugado na kami sa block!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
i *heart*....
scanning entries from my former blog, i found out that i traditionally have a blog entry during these days: my blog's anniversary, christmas, my birthday and valentines' day.
since i don't have much to share during these times (romantic relationships-wise), lemme share you some of my loves:
i *heart*
1. shoes. when i started earning my own keep, i realized my inner carrie bradshaw. i loove shoe shopping (thankfully, a few stores carry my shoe size). i have this habit of looking at people's shoes. my comments to people are usually, "ang ganda ng sapatos mo!". i'm not a compulsive buyers--otherwise, i might turn into an imelda marcos!
2. psychedelic shades. i love eyewear, especially shades. i especially love them when they come in colors other than black or brown--i have them in blue, yellow and pink, and i plan to buy them in green. or in any shade that is not really normal.
3. vietnamese food. that's why i miss palawan sooo much. imagine getting a chao long (noodle stew) for less than PhP100. or that super delish coffee shake? or that french bread? sheesh...put me in a plane to palawan!
4. reading and writing. if i only got the time and the real talent like the people in my blog links, it'll be great. and if i can only get the time and the money to really invest in books, i'll be one happy clam.
5. lazing around the house. may it be sleeping, watching television, texting or just reading, i am at my element with lying on my back, flipping through channels or pages, exercising my thumbs or just snoozing. i am a homebody, a couch potato and damned proud of it! these days, i rarely get to do that, though...
6. breaking a sweat. i know, #3 and this one are contradiction of terms. but doing aerodance, or yoga (or recently, jogging around ultra) gives me that adrenaline high and that light feeling. and my clothes show it. yee-haw!
7. my family. even if we usually disagree on several things (i am fiercely independent, they want me to check in every now and then, for instance), but i'll do anything for them. as in!
8. getting something done. and not giving up. may it be a gradschool paper, a press release for work or a challenging puzzle, that sense of achievement can't be beat.
9. surprising people. i have this wicked sense of surprising people with something i know or something i can do. especially if it shows how strong, smart and fiercely independent i can be. magbuhat ng tubig sa dispenser? kayang kaya!
10. you reading my entry. and telling me what you *heart* what'cha waiting for? tell me what you love!
happy valentines' day everyone--with or without a special someone. you get what i mean.
since i don't have much to share during these times (romantic relationships-wise), lemme share you some of my loves:
i *heart*
1. shoes. when i started earning my own keep, i realized my inner carrie bradshaw. i loove shoe shopping (thankfully, a few stores carry my shoe size). i have this habit of looking at people's shoes. my comments to people are usually, "ang ganda ng sapatos mo!". i'm not a compulsive buyers--otherwise, i might turn into an imelda marcos!
2. psychedelic shades. i love eyewear, especially shades. i especially love them when they come in colors other than black or brown--i have them in blue, yellow and pink, and i plan to buy them in green. or in any shade that is not really normal.
3. vietnamese food. that's why i miss palawan sooo much. imagine getting a chao long (noodle stew) for less than PhP100. or that super delish coffee shake? or that french bread? sheesh...put me in a plane to palawan!
4. reading and writing. if i only got the time and the real talent like the people in my blog links, it'll be great. and if i can only get the time and the money to really invest in books, i'll be one happy clam.
5. lazing around the house. may it be sleeping, watching television, texting or just reading, i am at my element with lying on my back, flipping through channels or pages, exercising my thumbs or just snoozing. i am a homebody, a couch potato and damned proud of it! these days, i rarely get to do that, though...
6. breaking a sweat. i know, #3 and this one are contradiction of terms. but doing aerodance, or yoga (or recently, jogging around ultra) gives me that adrenaline high and that light feeling. and my clothes show it. yee-haw!
7. my family. even if we usually disagree on several things (i am fiercely independent, they want me to check in every now and then, for instance), but i'll do anything for them. as in!
8. getting something done. and not giving up. may it be a gradschool paper, a press release for work or a challenging puzzle, that sense of achievement can't be beat.
9. surprising people. i have this wicked sense of surprising people with something i know or something i can do. especially if it shows how strong, smart and fiercely independent i can be. magbuhat ng tubig sa dispenser? kayang kaya!
10. you reading my entry. and telling me what you *heart* what'cha waiting for? tell me what you love!
happy valentines' day everyone--with or without a special someone. you get what i mean.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
missing palawan
i wrote this for an inter-office magazine. methinks it won't get published, so i'll post it here. note that some of the places may not be around, or the prices may have gone up. for the past few days i find myself reminiscing about my NGO days in palawan. merry christmas to all!
------------------------------
(photo from travelphilippines website)
A visit to
This is how many tourist websites have been advertising the province, but as an NGO worker assigned there for months at a time,
There are many unexplored and undeveloped beaches, apart from the famous Ho
nda Bay,
For busy folks like this writer, there is island hopping. Rent a boat for around PhP800-1,200 and you can roam around Starfish, Snake, Luli (“lulubog, lilitaw”, since its appearance depends on the tide) and other islands at Honda Bay, as well as the Y Beach and Siete Picados in Coron. In Coron, too, would you get to visit Makinit Hot Springs, a nature marvel because it has salt water and considered to heal many bone and joint ailments. Another is UNESCO World Heritage Site, the
On land,
After a tiring day of water and land adventures, food next comes to mind. Highly recommended seafood restaurants are Ka Lui and Balinsasayaw, both located in Puerto Princesa, where fresh seafood are served along with sumptuous fruits, good company and great ambience. Actually, seafood specialties can be found everywhere in the island, cooked fresh from the sea. Seafood restaurants charge around PhP200 for a meal, but trust me, it is well worth it.
Because 
coffee shake completes my
If seafood and Vietnamese food is not your thing, there is the chicken place in
The island is also home to a diverse mix of people, from natives called Pala’wan, tribal people and settlers from around the country. All offer their unique brand of dialects and culture, but everyone can converse in Tagalog/Filipino (declared as their common language), as well as a dialect called Cuyunin (some words I got to understand and use working there) and smattering of their own dialects. I had a great time with these people and experiencing their culture, dreams and character in a land unique and exciting.
Monday, December 3, 2007
working hard for the moolah
one of the banes in a government employee's existence (apart from the not so good salaries and office politics) is being asked to attend budget hearings, where we serve as backstop or technical assistants to our head of agency, at the same time being a tiring and mind-numbing job we do while sitting.this usually happens after july 30 of every year, where our chief executive passes the general appropriations act (or GAA) for the perusal and subsequent approval of both houses of the legislature--because they are mandated by the constitution to have the control over the country's budget.
formal meaning: your big boss comes in and defends the budget for your agency, justifying why you need to have this much money, what have you done with the money given to you the previous year, etc. informally, the head of agency gets to be subjected to questions not really related to the budget. since EO 464 mandates that heads of agencies have to seek the palace's clearance before appearing before the legislature, budget hearings become a venue for legislators to ask the questions they are dying to ask these big bosses. especially if your agency is "controversial". you know what i mean.
i should know, because for the past two years, i've been there.
in my agency's case, we do not just attend these hearings once, but twice. one for our own budget, and the other for the macroeconomic assumptions (or macro assumptions) with other agencies which makes up the government's economic team.
the macro assumptions is actually the start of the budget hearing season, as it gives legislators the overview of the budget--how much will be spent, how will it be financed, where will the bulk of the budget go, among others. it also features presentations on the country' economic situation-- like the overall economic growth, the state of the country's key sectors and other economic indicators, and the revenue situation--basically, how much the government getting as revenues and stuff. after these presentations, legislators take turns in asking the heads of agencies to clarify points and other concerns.
sometimes, these questions are not usually related to the budget. these are the questions i was referring to above related to the informal definitions.
whenever the house, the econ team and the agency goes to the panel twice--first, to the committee level (in our case, the committee on finance or appropriations) and then to the plenary of the said house (where the sponsoring congressman or senator ends up answering the questions posed to him by his/her fellow legislators). and whatever the committee or the plenary level, this means for any government employee a lot of wasted time waiting and waiting and more waiting.
to prepare for these hearings, i usually have a jacket to ward off the cold, a bottle of water, some snacks (usually candies/gum and cookies) and a stack of work-related stuff or gradschool readings to keep me awake (and sane). some of my officemates have a laptop to either serve as repository of needed information and (if the hall is wi-fi ready), check their office email to receive or send urgent outputs. a gradschool professor told me she has stacks of exams and papers to grade while these hearings go on. some of us have thick novels to read. anything to ensure that each of us are awake and ready to give the needed information to our bosses.
for this year, the macro assumptions hearings at the committee level of both the house and the senate took two days each (yep, you read that right--two days). the same number of days applied for the plenary level (including the sponsorship speech). for the agency, methinks it took us one day (i'm not that sure, because i was asked to do something else during the plenary hearing at the house).
at the house for the macro hearing, we start at 9am, and end at around 7pm, with a break for lunch. good thing the committee was nice enough to provide people with snacks and coffee (believe me, waiting+awfully cold committee halls=extreme sleepiness). because congressmen are more numerous than senators, these hearings can go on even during the plenary sessions (as long as the committee chair is present). those who would like to come in and ask questions are welcome to enter these hearings, ask their questions and leave. some of them come back if they want to ask more. usually, our prayers during these times range from sana wala nang dumating na congressman to Lord, sana hinaan yung aircon to please, Lord, sana matumbok na nya yung tanong nya.
and because these congressmen represent congressional districts, there are a lot of parochial questions (read: individual projects and programs in their area, district allocations, etc) in these hearings. since the agency is also in charge of approving government projects, our people at the public investment and project monitoring usually have a matrix of projects and the congressional district where they are located, just in case the congressmen ask for "his/her" project.
some of them use these parochial questions to call for additional funding for their district which usually end up in grandstanding--and at the end of the tirade, have no question at all. some also end up asking totally nonsensical questions--these usually end up as private jokes between spectators. and there are some who know what they are talking about (or their staff did a good job researching), ask sensible questions and help the agencies do their jobs better. lucky are their constituents, i say.
it is quite different at the senate at the macro hearing. we started at around 10am and end up around noon. this may be due to the fact that there are only 23 senators (22 if you don't count trillianes), and they are all needed during plenary sessions. at the same time, they don't have parochial concerns (except maybe, for their provinces or district of origin, or pet projects), the questions of that ilk are trimmed to a minimum. and (at least in this case), senators have read up (or their staff did their job well), it is not as mind-numbing, tiring or grandstanding-laden.
one particular sponsorship speech i liked during the plenary hearing at the senate was from a lady senator who said that she will only allow the minority floor leader to interpellate (ask questions) the agency she is defending. the others who dare to ask questions would earn her "undying enmity". the senators followed her advise--with the minority floor leaders, who happened to be her co-chair in the said committee, only commenting--and the budget was deemed submitted (or approved at that level). sana sya na lang and nag-defend ng budget namin.
however, the senator who defended our budget (and the budget of the other members of the economic team) was not lacking in skill, despite his age. imagine that he was at it for the last two days (he also delivered the sponsorship speech for the macro assumptions, plus interpellations). astig di ba?
after everything has been approved, the senate and congress comes together and resolves issues on their versions of the budget. when everything has been resolved, it now goes to the chief executive for signature (and by the way, s/he also has the right of line veto--she can strike out parts of the budget), and if s/he does sign it, we now have a budget.
we all work hard for the moolah. and it ain't that easy.
(photo credits: me. this is during one of the lull at the plenary hearing at congress last year. i even got the ire of the sargent-at-arms there, because picture-taking with flash is not allowed at the gallery. i should have turned off the flash.)
Friday, October 19, 2007
shattered dreams
(this is written as i finish a press release here at the office while listening to reports of the blasts that rocked glorietta this afternoon)
(image at left from the Philippine Daily Inquirer website. for more on their coverage of the Glorietta blasts, click here)
i was supposed to have dinner with a friend tonight. but then, the blasts that blown away part of the mall i usually frequent also shattered my plans, after calls from home begging me to cancel.
fast forward to a few hours later: i'm (still) here at the office.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
while viewing the extent of the damage on TV, i bemoan what those responsible did to one of my frequently-visited places
they bombed the part of the mall where children's stores are located. i shudder at the thought that there may possibly be kids spending time with their parents or guardians, buying toys or clothes or food, having a haircut (yep, they have this cute salon for kids), or just horsing around in the play area, oblivious to the evil plans of that someone/s who planted that bomb.
i feel bad for the sales clerks and personnel of the stores damaged by the blasts, who were just there earning a honest living.
they bombed the mall during lunch hour. i also commiserate those who were there to have lunch, relax and get away from the stresses of work even for just an hour.
i empathize to those who lost their lives and were injured (and their families), who were there at the wrong place at the wrong time. i pray for the eternal repose of the souls of those who perished and for the safety and eventual recovery of those injured.
i rage at those who do this, whatever reasons they have. there is no excuse doing something that would harm innocent people.
i am at a loss, even as someone who study politics and international society, on why these things happen. i cry on what the world has come to, a world where violence, poverty and injustice reign. where kids beg on the streets instead of enjoying their childhood. where people lie, cheat and steal to keep body and soul together. where those in power and money abuse what they have. where people like me wonder why these things happen.
suddenly, my anger at those who shattered my plans of enjoying a night out after the stresses of work and graduate school becomes insignificant compared to the shattered dreams in each of us.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
i should be...
...doing my literature review. as i told vani during one of our email conversations, i'm now enrolled in a research course in graduate school, thus the thesis proposal. while i don't need a thesis to get my degree (but i gotta get the comprehensive exams though), i'm encouraged/pushed by the professor to do well in the said proposal. major pressure--since i haven't even started something, and i need to submit it by saturday.
...reading for the said literature review. i still have three more journals to read. three days to go. panic mode starting to set in. and i have a dinner thing with gradschool buds thursday night. ayush sa procastination!
...on the phone to follow up on a press release. it is close to lunchtime, so i bet there's no one to answer on the other line. will do that by 1pm.
...drinking my anti-allergy medicine and avoiding dust. my ultra-sensitive skin strikes again. last sunday, my skin broke out into rashes that really itched. Mama said it might be the bagoong she added in the ginataang langka during sunday lunch. Papa supposed it might be the dust. the derma said its dust mites--those tiny creepy crawlies that thrive during these times. so apart from the thousand-peso bill for consultations and lotions/soaps, i'm forbidden to use anything scented (read: powder, lotion, perfume, etc), avoid dust and malansa food, and use the recommended soap/lotion. and i gotta be back to the derma next week. (mae, will you forgive me if i miss your graduation fashion show?)
...answering my uncle's email. damned philippine airlines! how can you mess up mabuhay miles credits?!
but instead, i'm...
...blogging. what can i do? this may help me get my mojo.
...thinking of taking a nap. reading + thick journals (made worse by bad lighting. Lord knows i need to get a better night light for reading in the dark) = late nights. late nights + showing up early for work = lack of sleep. but i can't. i mustn't. help!
wish me luck!
...reading for the said literature review. i still have three more journals to read. three days to go. panic mode starting to set in. and i have a dinner thing with gradschool buds thursday night. ayush sa procastination!
...on the phone to follow up on a press release. it is close to lunchtime, so i bet there's no one to answer on the other line. will do that by 1pm.
...drinking my anti-allergy medicine and avoiding dust. my ultra-sensitive skin strikes again. last sunday, my skin broke out into rashes that really itched. Mama said it might be the bagoong she added in the ginataang langka during sunday lunch. Papa supposed it might be the dust. the derma said its dust mites--those tiny creepy crawlies that thrive during these times. so apart from the thousand-peso bill for consultations and lotions/soaps, i'm forbidden to use anything scented (read: powder, lotion, perfume, etc), avoid dust and malansa food, and use the recommended soap/lotion. and i gotta be back to the derma next week. (mae, will you forgive me if i miss your graduation fashion show?)
...answering my uncle's email. damned philippine airlines! how can you mess up mabuhay miles credits?!
but instead, i'm...
...blogging. what can i do? this may help me get my mojo.
...thinking of taking a nap. reading + thick journals (made worse by bad lighting. Lord knows i need to get a better night light for reading in the dark) = late nights. late nights + showing up early for work = lack of sleep. but i can't. i mustn't. help!
wish me luck!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
another ranting post
warning: if you're not in the mood for another ranting post, i suggest you skip this entry. go to another website. close the browser window altogether. if you're still with me, you have been warned.
-------------------------------------
tomorrow is supposed to be the press conference where the second quarter economic growth numbers will be announced, at the same place that it is supposed to be announced. it has been the practice as long as i can remember.
so i lazed around the day having finished what i usually do when this day comes--send out media advisory to all our contacts from the media (now you kinda have an idea what my job description really is), arrange for the ride to the venue, remind the staff about the statement we will be releasing and stuff.
imagine my shock when i got the call from our director (the direct superior is on official travel, and left me in charge of the said presscon) telling us that the said presscon has been moved to another venue. and to a venue that there is a major need for accreditations, security checks and stuff--all because the power-that-be wants to be in on the action?!?
thus, i rush to send out a correction on the advisory, got in touch with several people to let our media contacts in the venue, among other things.
now am still at the office waiting for more calls. and praying that everything will be all right.
lest we risk the major tongue-lashing of the said power-that-be.
this is the life of a government slave.
-------------------------------------
tomorrow is supposed to be the press conference where the second quarter economic growth numbers will be announced, at the same place that it is supposed to be announced. it has been the practice as long as i can remember.
so i lazed around the day having finished what i usually do when this day comes--send out media advisory to all our contacts from the media (now you kinda have an idea what my job description really is), arrange for the ride to the venue, remind the staff about the statement we will be releasing and stuff.
imagine my shock when i got the call from our director (the direct superior is on official travel, and left me in charge of the said presscon) telling us that the said presscon has been moved to another venue. and to a venue that there is a major need for accreditations, security checks and stuff--all because the power-that-be wants to be in on the action?!?
thus, i rush to send out a correction on the advisory, got in touch with several people to let our media contacts in the venue, among other things.
now am still at the office waiting for more calls. and praying that everything will be all right.
lest we risk the major tongue-lashing of the said power-that-be.
this is the life of a government slave.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
current status
who would believe that tado can actually summarize a part of what i really feel for the past few weeks? and he did that in a show different from where you will get those words of wisdom?
during an interview for the mtv vj hunt, he asked the quotation below to be translated by a fil-foreign aspirant:
"pinipili ko na lang na maging masaya dahil mahirap ipaliwanag kung bakit ako malungkot"
my addition: "pero dahil pagod na kong maging masaya, nagiging malungkot na lang ako kahit mahirap ipaliwanag".
----------------------------------
for the past few days, i roller-coaster from being awfully happy and makulit to being the quiet and sad. there was one week that i refuse to talk in the office (except when spoken to), which actually had officemates wondering what's wrong.
maybe i'm too pissed off with being too much of a doormat. maybe i'm pissed off with too much unnecessary stuff to bother you at work and in school (heck, even at home!). maybe all i want to do is make somebody or something pay for how bad i feel.
in the words of charlie brown, aaauuughhhh!
i apologize for the nonsensical, effing post. just got to get thing out of my system.
during an interview for the mtv vj hunt, he asked the quotation below to be translated by a fil-foreign aspirant:
"pinipili ko na lang na maging masaya dahil mahirap ipaliwanag kung bakit ako malungkot"
my addition: "pero dahil pagod na kong maging masaya, nagiging malungkot na lang ako kahit mahirap ipaliwanag".
----------------------------------
for the past few days, i roller-coaster from being awfully happy and makulit to being the quiet and sad. there was one week that i refuse to talk in the office (except when spoken to), which actually had officemates wondering what's wrong.
maybe i'm too pissed off with being too much of a doormat. maybe i'm pissed off with too much unnecessary stuff to bother you at work and in school (heck, even at home!). maybe all i want to do is make somebody or something pay for how bad i feel.
in the words of charlie brown, aaauuughhhh!
i apologize for the nonsensical, effing post. just got to get thing out of my system.
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